so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
