If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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