I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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