the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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