she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
