I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
