so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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