She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
