She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
