your parents love me but you hate me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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