He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
