im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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