he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
