Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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