did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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