I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
