That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
