OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
