my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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