How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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