please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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