guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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