Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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