just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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