I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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