I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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