you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
