I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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