We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
