I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
