can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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