I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
