when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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