Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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