I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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