my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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