after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
