first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You can't special order awesome
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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