I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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