i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
