i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No subtext here. People are naked.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
