i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
