Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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