I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
