kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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