I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
