Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
