I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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