All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
