the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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