So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
