I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
