Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
