Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
